Hopeful

So two beta tests have come and gone - our first beta was negative at 11dp3dt and another negative today at 18dp3dt. No success this first time around *big sigh*

Based on the beta number at 11dp3dt, I knew there was very little chance of a pregnancy. So many emotions and thoughts flooded my mind when I first got the news. The emotions were deep and thoughts were plenty. I laid in my bed in the dark for a couple of hours - it was exactly what I needed to put things into perspective and experience the emotions. I now look forward to our next attempt.

The clinic re-opens on January 2 so I hope to connect with the doctor and/or staff regarding the next steps at that time. We have five embryos left so I'm curious how many of those the doctor will attempt to thaw. I was happy to hear from another surrogate of his that we don't have to wait a cycle for the next transfer.

I know my time will come when it's time. I keep in mind that everyone's journey is so different and thus do my best not to compare my negative result with those who have achieved success so quickly. Of course, there are many who don't but it seems part of our human nature to initially focus on the "half empty cup". But I did quickly re-shift that focus and have high hopes for a successful upcoming transfer.

Thank you for letting me share part of my world with you.

Excixious

I’ve decided to create a new word “excixious” – a state of being excited and anxious at the same time.

My trip to the clinic was good overall although I was not very fond of the cold. I arrived in Toronto on Tuesday, December 5 and egg retrieval occurred the following day. My egg donor “D” got to the clinic earlier with her friend and (retired) fellow-surrogate “A”. I waited in reception for several hours. Finally, “D” came out – she was dizzy and said the experience was much worse than her previous donation.

Of the 20 follicles that were detected, 14 eggs were retrieved in the end. I was very happy with that number although my egg donor was hoping for 20 to 22 eggs. “D” is such the perfectionist and over-achiever – I love that about her.

I was quite anxious that night as I would find out the next day (Thursday, December 7) how many of the 14 eggs would be fertilized. To my surprise and disappointment, only 7 of the 14 eggs were fertilized – also known as reaching the 2PN stage. I know that it only takes one or two embryos but I was hoping to have several frozen for future attempts – either for a sibling project or just in case the first attempt was unsuccessful. Also, it’s hard not to compare these results to others that I have read online where a higher percentage of eggs are fertilized. Finally, this made the possibility of donating my embryos to my good friend “M” and her husband less likely.

So my anxiety increased Friday night wondering how many would continue growing to the following day. On Friday, December 8, I found out that 2 embryos were a little behind at the 2-cell stage, 4 embryos were right on track at the 3-4 cell stage, while 1 embryo was ahead at the 5+ cell stage. I was very happy to hear that 5 of the 7 embryos appeared to be well on their way to becoming high quality embryos. After saying that, I was still anxious that night before we the transfer the next morning. My surrogate “C” arrived safe and sound Friday night. She is awesome – she gave me two pairs of baby booties and painted two paintings for me – two cherry blossom branches, one with a blue background and the other in a pink background.

Not knowing what embryo development had occurred throughout the night, “C” and I went to the clinic Saturday morning, December 9. The doctor was late but the actually transfer went by really quickly. The doctor advised me, to my delight, that the embryos were graded at 10 – “the best grade there is”. He uses a 1 to 10 scale with 10 being the best. I confirmed with him later that the embryos frozen were also graded 10. In the end, 2 embryos were transferred and 5 were frozen. I was very happy that I had 5 embryos frozen.

The rest of Saturday and Sunday flew by, and now I’m at the airport Monday afternoon waiting for my flight back home to Vancouver. My good friend (who now lives in Hamilton) also dropped by the hotel for a visit. It was great seeing him again.

I told “C” that she can start testing whenever she wanted but our beta test will be Thursday, December 21 – that should be 12dp3dt. For you surrogacy-virgins out there, this means 12 days post 3-day transfer. I believe if it’s positive, we do another beta a couple of days later. Yes, it’s definitely close to Christmas!

In summary, I cannot believe I am so close to my dream of becoming a dad. I see my life changing – being enhanced. It will be a challenge but I look forward to it. I believe the next two weeks will fly by quickly. I anticipate a few sleepless nights beforehand but there’s lot to keep me busy in the meantime.

Thank you for letting me share part of my world with you.

Excited

The clinic finally communicated some dates for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer!

"C" started her meds on Friday, October 27 and "D" will start her meds on Friday, November 17. If all goes according to plan, egg retrieval will be on Tuesday, December 5 (which is also my brother's birthday) with embryo transfer on Friday, December 8. I will most likely arrive the day before egg retrieval and leave on Sunday, December 10 to keep "C" company before she flies back home. The clinic recommends not flying the day after transfer.

I hope Christmas will be extra-special this year. "C" should be able to get a blood test completed prior to Christmas. Friday, December 22 will be two weeks from transfer.

I also had a great psychological session - the clinic requires this of myself as well as "C" and "D". It's more like a counselling session than an evaluation, to ensure all parties are prepared for the journey. Since "C" has been a surrogate before, "D" has been a surrogate twice before and a previous egg donor, and I'm very aware of what this journey entails, it's more for the clinic from a legal perspective.

The psychologist was wonderful and less expensive than the one the clinic uses. I also took something away from the session. She said to be hopeful and excited - to enjoy the journey. She said there's nothing I can do to protect myself if things don't go according to plan. I always kept one foot on the ground but she is right - no matter if I keep one, both, or none, I will be disappointed and sad if a pregnancy does not result in December. So given that, I've decided to let myself hope for, get excited about, and celebrate what can be!

Thank you for letting me share part of my world with you.

Calm

I can't believe I fly out next Tuesday. I actually just got back from Edmonton a couple of days ago - I had work meetings that ended up being less productive than I would have liked. However, I did realize that, as much as I enjoy flying, I need to keep occupied during the flight. I ordered a couple of books earlier this week so hopefully they will arrive before I have to head to the airport. I'm sure I will also sleep a little on the plane. I will be meeting "C" at the airport - we arrive a few minutes apart.

I also booked our hotel rooms at the Stay Inn Hotel. I will most likely rent a car as well so it will be easier for us to travel around as well as keep our luggage in during our consultation and dinner. Speaking of dinner, we'll be meeting "D" for dinner in the evening - I have a few options for restaurants so we'll see.

Before leaving though, I'd like to gather a few photos and complete my gift-buying. I still have to finalize what I will get for "C" - I bought something for her son and daughter already. I also got "D" something but hopefully it will arrive in the mail before I leave otherwise I will just send it out when I return. I also got gifts for her two daughters. I'll have this weekend to finalize everything.

Thank you for letting me share part of my world with you.

Peaceful

Just 11 more sleeps until I fly out to Toronto to meet "C" and one more sleep after that before we finally meet the doctor to "get the party started" as they say. I hope any tests that "C" needs to complete can be done on the same day. We've completed all the testing we could on our end - it's all good with the results. After our consultation, we plan on having dinner with "D" so that will be exciting as well. "C" and I will fly back to our respective homes later that night.

All of this potentially could have been put on hold because "C" was having some work-related problems. However, she gave me the green light to go ahead and book the flights soon after. I have to admit I was a bit nervous and even "D" had resigned herself to a delay; however, it was actually a good hiccup for me personally. I came to the conclusion (not just logically but emotionally) that I will reach my destination when it's my time. Experiencing and truly believing this conclusion gave me a sense of inner peace. Given my personality, I will always think, anticipate, and plan but I have come to terms with how little control I have over my journey's destination. I need to live and enjoy the journey, appreciating each milestone, and allowing the destination to arrive when it's time. I know this will be easier said than done but I am well on my way.

On a side note, "D" thinks cycling may even start in October given how close her cycle is close to that of "C". This could mean a transfer in early November. How exciting is that? Things will become more clear after we have our consultation - again, it's all about appreciating each milestone rather than just focusing only on the destination. There isn't much to do now but wait. Time is truly flying by as I look back at my earlier posts.

Thank you for letting me share part of my world with you.

Happy

Woohoo! I called the clinic this morning but no pick-up. I tried a second time soon after and WOW - I got someone! I had the opportunity to book the consultation on September 20 but had an important strategic meeting out of town so selected September 27. We now have a target so let the countdown begin!

I've been emailing my surro- and IP-buddies getting more information so "C" and I can come to Toronto as prepared as possible. This means getting as much testing and screening done ahead of time. "C" has been great and shares my sense of urgency and determination. She will be visiting a doctor tomorrow to see if she can get all the testing done.

Tomorrow, I have a few more phone calls to make as well as look at booking flights for myself and "C". I have also advised "D" that we will be flying in. I'm excited to finally get to meet her - I first met her online a couple of years ago. She was also a GS to two IFs that I also got to know online.

It feels good that I am slowly but surely moving forward. I can see each phase ahead of me but try to remain focused on the current phase. I keep reminding myself, what's meant to be, will be.

Thank you for letting me share part of my world with you.

Impatient

I was hoping to hear back from the clinic today to schedule the first initial consultation with the doctor. They had responded to my email on Wednesday, asking me for a few available dates in late September. I replied on the same day but have not heard from them since. I have been told by other surrogates and IPs that this clinic is very slow in getting back to its clients relative to other nearby clinics. However, I have heard nothing but great things about the doctor so I can be patient for now. With the Labour Day Weekend upon us, I hope to hear back from them on Tuesday.

I have advised my GS "C" that I will contact her once I hear back from the clinic so I can book our flights to Toronto, Ontario where the clinic is located. Her flight will be much shorter than mine as she lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba. My ED "D" lives in near Toronto so very little travel for her. This was purposeful as I wanted to select a clinic near "D" since she'll have several appointments with the doctor prior to egg retrieval. "C" will be monitored in her home city and then fly in prior to embryo transfer.

This is all quite exciting. I think once the consultation is scheduled, all of this will feel even more real. I'm going to try to keep at least one foot on the ground until I finally have my baby in my arms. Keeping it real but also enjoying the journey.

Thank you for letting me share part of my world with you.